Sandy MacReedy: I want you to kill every gopher on the course.
Carl Spackler: Correct me if I'm wrong, Sandy, but if I kill all the golfers they're gonna lock me up and throw away the key.
Sandy MacReedy: Gophers! You great git! Not golfers! The little brown furry rodents!
Carl Spackler: We can do that. We don't even have to have a reason.
 
* * * *
 
Carl Spackler: License to kill gophers by the government of the United Nations. Man, free to kill gophers at will. To kill, you must know your enemy, and in this case my enemy is a varmint. And a varmint will never quit - ever. They're like the Viet Cong - Varmint Cong. So you have to fall back on superior intelligence and superior firepower. And that's all she wrote.
 
* * * *
 
Carl Spackler: This is a hybrid. This is a cross, ah, of Bluegrass, Kentucky Bluegrass, Featherbed Bent, and Northern California Sensemilia. The amazing stuff about this is, that you can play 36 holes on it in the afternoon, take it home and just get stoned to the bejeezus-belt that night on this stuff.
 
* * * *
 
Carl Spackler: So I jump ship in Hong Kong and make my way over to Tibet, and I get on as a looper at a course over in the Himalayas. A looper, you know, a caddy, a looper, a jock. So, I tell them I'm a pro jock, and who do you think they give me? The Dalai Lama, himself. Twelfth son of the Lama. The flowing robes, the grace, bald. striking. So, I'm on the first tee with him. I give him the driver. He hauls off and whacks one - big hitter, the Lama - long, into a ten-thousand foot crevice, right at the base of this glacier. And do you know what the Lama says? Gunga galunga gunga - gunga galunga. So we finish the eighteenth and he's gonna stiff me. And I say, "Hey, Lama, hey, how about a little something, you know, for the effort, you know." And he says, "Oh, uh, there won't be any money, but when you die, on your deathbed, you will receive total consiousness." So I got that goin' for me, which is nice.
 
* * * *
 
Carl Spackler: He's a Cinderella boy. Turns his eyes, I guess, as he lines up this last shot. He's got about 195 yards left. And he's got a...it looks like he's got a eight iron. This crowd has gone deadly silent, a Cinderella story outta nowhere. Former greenskeeper and now about to become the masters champion.
 
* * * *
 
Carl Spackler: This place got a pool?
Ty Webb: Pool and a pond... Pond be good for you.
 
* * * *
 
Ty Webb: This your place, Carl?
Carl Spackler: Yeah, whatta ya think?
Ty Webb: It's really... awful.
Carl Spackler: Well, I got a lot of stuff on order. You know... credit trouble.
 
* * * *
 
Judge Smails: Ty, what did you shoot today?
Ty Webb: Oh, Judge, I don't keep score.
Judge Smails: Then how do you measure yourself with other golfers?
Ty Webb: By height.
 
* * * *
 
Ty Webb: I'm going to give you a little advice. There's a force in the universe that makes things happen. And all you have to do is get in touch with it, stop thinking, let things happen, and be the ball.
 
* * * *
 
Judge Smails:: You know, you should play with Dr. Beeper and myself. I mean, he's been club champion for three years running and I'm no slouch myself.
Ty Webb: Don't sell yourself short Judge, you're a tremendous slouch.
 
* * * *
 
Al Czervik: What're we, waiting for these guys? Hey Whitey, where's your hat?
Judge Smails:: Do you mind, sir. I'm trying to tee off.
Al Czervik: I'll bet you a hundred bucks you slice it into the woods.
Judge Smails: Gambling is illegal at Bushwood sir, and I never slice.
[Swings club, slices ball into woods]
Judge Smails: *Damn*.
Al Czervik: OK, you can owe me.
Judge Smails: I owe you nothing.
 
* * * *
 
Al Czervik: Oh, this is the worst-looking hat I ever saw. What, when you buy a hat like this I bet you get a free bowl of soup, huh? Oh, it looks good on you though.
 
* * * *
 
Al Czervik: You're a lot of woman, you know that? Yeah, wanna make 14 dollars the hard way?
 
* * * *
 
Al Czervik: Oh, this your wife, huh? A lovely lady. Hey baby, you must've been something before electricity.
 
* * * *
 
Al Czervik: Hey, doll. Could you scare up another round for our table over here? And tell the cook this is low grade dog food. I've had better food at the ballgame, you know? This steak still has marks from where the jockey was hitting it.
 
* * * *
 
Al Czervik: Last time I saw a mouth like that, it had a hook in it.
 
* * * *
 
Al Czervik:  Orange balls! Hey, I'll have a box of those...give me a box of those naked lady tee's, and give me two of those..and give me six of those...aww this is the worst looking hat I ever saw...you buy a hat like this and you get a free bowl of soup. Looks good on you though!